Home

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

Offices are Messy!

I have made a shocking discovery during my time interning here in D.C.- offices are messy!

Now, I don’t mean literally, in the sense that there is garbage and clutter everywhere… although I am sure there are those offices filled with their fair share of litter and disorganization. What I’m talking about is that, no matter how prestigious, well funded, and well led your office may be, there will always be an element of confusion and chaos.

For a planner like me, this realization came as quite a shock. I love interning for a government organization, and assisting in a department known for its strict adherence to guidelines and procedures which produce predictable and accurate results, because it gives me a sense of control over outcomes and situations. In my workplace, I enjoy having everything in its place, and having the confidence that comes from knowing exactly what will be produced as a result of my efforts. Life, however, and the unpredictable, do happen.

Sometimes the water cooler delivery runs late, and the office is without a water dispenser for a few days. While this may cause a flurry of frantic confusion as thirsty workers congregate around the empty cooler, it is not the end of the world. The worst thing that could happen is being forced to fork over the two dollars and fifty cents in the downstairs café for a bottle of water… or dehydration… but that’s beside the point.

Sometimes the copy machine isn’t working, because someone forgot to order additional toner and it is now on backorder for the next week. While this may cause everyone in the office to use another department’s copier in the meantime, it should not be a source of frustration. The worst thing that could happen is that you jam the other department’s copier almost beyond repair, and spend nearly forty minutes attempting to fix it… but that’s not my focus here.

Sometimes the project that you have been working on, felt was accurate, and turned over to the next phase of the process with a different agency falls through their cracks. While this may cause a huge delay in the overall completion of your project, it does not mean you are a failure. The worst thing that could happen is that your supervisor doesn’t understand that it wasn’t your fault and fires you, but wait…you can’t fire a volunteer… but that shouldn’t be my attitude.

My point is that no matter how well prepared you are, no matter how good you are at your job, nothing in life is perfect. People make mistakes, stuff happens, and not everything can be completely controlled… and that’s ok. There are times you simply must let go, trust that your best efforts are enough, and decide that all of the little things that plague your sanity are really not so important after all. So for a planner like me, this has come as an uncomfortable and yet somewhat relieving realization. Offices, and life in general, are messy. I might as well embrace it!

Life Changing Realization

After Agent Bob’s “off-the-cuff” conversations, my supervisor’s well meaning advice, and my own self-evaluation, I have come to the conclusion that I am not cut out to be a special agent like I originally thought.

This conclusion is a big deal to me. I am a planner, and have my one year, five year, ten year, and fifty year life plan figured out. I enjoy having goals, and having a clearly defined plan for the future. Ambiguity and uncertainty tend to freak me out, so when I decided that my carefully chosen career path was no longer a good fit for me, I felt a few moments of panic. My entire life plan was falling apart around me.

Over the course of the semester here at ASP, we have spent a great deal of time discussing our sense of “calling” and our “vocation.” Up to this point, I have always felt a fairly clear direction of where my calling and vocation lay. When I first heard that Sacramento was one of California’s major centers of child exploitation, I was floored. This wasn’t an issue that was happening “over there” in places like Cambodia, or Russia, or India… this was a horrible, heartbreaking crime that was going on in my own backyard. I felt an overwhelming compulsion to do something about it. After looking into a few routes to combat human trafficking- legislative, non-governmental, and law enforcement, I decided that the life of a special agent was the one for me. I wanted a gun and a badge, and I wanted to catch bad guys and make them pay.

After these last few weeks of interning in a government agency dealing with issues such as child exploitation, however, I am not so sure that a position as a special agent would be the right career for me. First, if I was handed a gun and a badge, and told to interview a suspect that we knew was guilty of sexually exploiting his children, there is no guarantee that I wouldn’t shoot the sicko perpetrator in the head. I honestly doubt that I would pass the psych evaluation in order to become a special agent. Second, I don’t think I would enjoy being the property of the government in that way. Special Agents have very little say in where and when they are sent to their new assignments. While I am currently single and skeptical as to whether or not I have children in the future, I do know that if/when I get married and have a family, I want to be able to settle down and provide a stable life for them. While the life of a Special Agent may sound glamorous, the constant moving is not and takes a hard toll on a person’s family. Third, I don’t want to end up cold and jaded. I am (generally) a bubbly, happy person, and I don’t want to end up like so many of the agents do- “dead inside.”

This has left me in quite a predicament. God, where is your calling now? I was convinced I knew exactly what it was, and now I don’t. Where are you in this? What do I do now? I am a planner. I need to have a plan, God. A little bit of help would be greatly appreciated.

Right now, I am operating under the assumption that I will end up doing something similar, career wise, to that of a Special Agent, minus being an actual law enforcement officer. Perhaps I could be a program analyst, or legal councilor for a government agency like the one I am interning for. My calling, my vocation, my mission… it can be related to my original dream, even if my original dream has ended.

My five year life plan will remain pretty much the same I guess: graduate from William Jessup University in May 2010. Begin attending University of the Pacific McGeorge School of Law in August of 2010. Intern in various California government departments dealing with civil and human rights over the course of my three years at McGeorge. Graduate with my J.D. in the spring of 2014. Begin a job in a California government agency utilizing the skills gained in law school on issues relating to human rights immediately after graduation. Pass the BAR exam in the fall of 2014 as a back up plan to a career in government. And depending on the health of my family, after three years of steady work in a California government position, moving on to an exciting career with an agency like the one I am currently with in a major west coast city such as Portland or Seattle, opening up greater possibilities for career advancement.

So even though I don’t know exactly what I want to do, or where exactly I will end up, I am still convinced that I can live out my calling to seek justice for those who can’t speak for themselves. The details may be fuzzy, but I’m learning to be ok with that since the calling is still there. At a recent ASP event, we students gathered together along with the mentors chosen for us to speak into our lives, encourage, and challenge us over the course of the semester. One major theme kept coming up at “Share Your Mentor” night- wherever you end up can be an amazing opportunity that God will use to grow and inspire you, if you will only let go and allow Him the space to move.  

Coolest Experience So Far

When I was first introduced to Agent Bob, he asked me why I was here and what I was interested in. As soon as he discovered that I was considering doing my Senior Seminar project on child exploitation, he launched into a lengthy discussion of various studies I should look into, which agencies would make excellent career options, and then declared that he was going to set up some tours and interviews for me. I was blown away. Once again, I was completely amazed by how willing everyone in my agency was to go out of their way to help me.

The next week, I received an email from Agent Bob explaining that a tour had been arranged for all of the interns on my floor to visit the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. I immediately went online and began researching the organization, and lost myself in different studies and publications NCMEC produced on behavioral analysis of child molesters, various laws and statutes regarding internet child pornography, and their efforts to help find missing and runaway children. I was extremely excited to learn more about the incredible endeavors NCMEC was making in this field that I care so passionately about.

The day of the tour began by Agent Bob pulling me out of my training for a working lunch, where the other three interns and I scarfed down Subway sandwiches while Agent Bob presented a lecture on Operation Google Hello (FASCINATING STUFF! But that’s enough information for a completely different entry…). After his official lecture, he continued to converse with us as we left the office and made our way to the metro station.

His “uncut and uncensored” talk was more impactful and insightful than his official speech earlier. He told us how it is difficult working in the Child Exploitation Unit, and that not everyone was cut out for it. He shared that his wife told him that he “was dead inside,” meaning that he has become cold and jaded. Working on child exploitation cases can’t not affect you. When Agent Bob was a task leader back in Seattle, he used to have new agents on the squad go home after their first day and make a list of everything they normally do in a typical month. His example was: “I go home every night and drink a glass of wine, run a mile every day, smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, have sex with my wife twice a week, and hang out with my buddies at the sports bar at least once a month.” After about six months, he said, he has his new team members go back to their original list. “You’ll find that they have completely changed. They drink a bottle of wine a night, have a pot belly when they used to be trim and athletic, they smoke two packs a day, haven’t had sex with their wife in three months, and haven’t seen or heard from their buddies for even longer than that. This job…it gets to you. You’ve got to be careful that you don’t close yourself off from the people and things you love. You have to get help when you need it. Otherwise you just get f***ed up.”

Agent Bob then explained how some agencies do an awful job taking care of their own in this respect. Looking at images of children being abused all day can take a toll on you emotionally and physically, and some agencies do not make it a regular practice to encourage or require counseling services to their agents. He told us to specifically ask about that at NCMEC, an organization that he claims is really good at protecting the mental well-being of their employees.

When we arrived at the NCMEC building, we were greeted by a bubbly, effervescent woman who took us on a tour of the facilities. She was an analyst on the Exploitation team, and was on the Child Pornography task force (CP). As she walked us around each of the floors, and explained NCMEC’s various teams and what they do, I was so encouraged. Here was a young woman, lively and happy despite the terrible things she witnessed on a daily basis because of her job. It gave me hope that I could still work on the issue of child exploitation without becoming “dead inside,” like Agent Bob.

The most fascinating aspect of the tour was the CP team’s work. All child pornography images are sent to NCMEC to be put on file and to be analyzed. Since NCMEC is a non-governmental organization, they are able to cut through some of the bureaucratic red tape and better assist law enforcement officials working on CP cases. Their analysts inspect every image of child porn and compare the victim to known victims. If it is a face that they have seen before, that is actually a good thing. It means that the child is on file, and most likely has already been found and removed from the abuse situation. If it is a new face, however, that means trouble. It means that there is a new victim that still needs to be identified, rescued, and the perpetrator apprehended. This is what was truly interesting to me:

When a new image of child porn comes along, the CP team inspects the image in detail. They have to ignore the actually victim, and focus solely on their surroundings. What is in the background of the photo? Tacky hotel curtains- great! That gives them something to go on. They can then look into what companies manufacture those cheesey hotel curtains. Only four curtain companies market to hotel chains. Of those four, only two of them sell that particular brand of curtains, and only one of those sell that specific pattern. In fact, that company only sells those particular colored patterned curtains to a particular hotel chain in a certain state in the Pacific Northwest. When agents take that photo into those hotels, one by one, eventually they will find a hotel manager who says, “Yes! I know that room! That photograph is in room 106.” Agents can then look over the hotel records to every person who has rented room 106, and eventually, they will nab the perpetrator who abused the victim in the image. It is detective work that leads up to the arrest of the bad guy who hurts innocent children. I became so excited… I could totally see myself doing something like this!

The lady who gave us our tour told us that at NCMEC, they were required to consult with a therapist to talk about what they see, and to evaluate how they handle the atrocious images. She encouraged us that, if we ever find ourselves working in a child exploitation unit, to find a support group to talk to and be lifted up by. She says that it is crucial to have this group of people to encourage and cry with you, and to know that you aren’t alone. Without it, she says, you can just plain go crazy.

So my tour of NCMEC was quite an adventure. Not only did I narrow down just a little bit what I think I want to do with my life, I also discovered an inside look into the dark side of the business. It has definitely given me something to think about. But all in all, I had a wonderful time and am so thankful for this opportunity!

Colorful Character

In a sea of black suits, my supervisor stands out in the office as a bright, sparkly, flamboyant character with a personality to match! When I first arrived at my internship, I was dazed and confused as interns on their first day on the job usually are. When someone asked me who my supervisor was, they chuckled at my response. “She’s not in yet, but don’t worry, you won’t be able to miss her. She is quite a colorful character.” He was right.

When my supervisor swept in, I felt a wash of comfort and relief at the warmth she radiated. She wore a rainbow peasant skirt, a bright purple sweater, a green and aqua silk scarf, flashy beaded earrings, and a giant smile. My day began by her sitting me down, and chatting about how I chose to intern with them, what I hoped to learn from my internship experience, and what my ultimate career goals might be. After explaining to her a bit about my background, she began peppering with questions about my safety- Where was I living? Was I sure I felt comfortable walking by myself? What was my roommate’s emergency contact information in case I didn’t show up for work? In fact, could I please give her my mom’s contact information so she could jet her a quick note about how I would be taken care of and looked after in this new, big city? I immediately felt cared for, fussed over, and appreciated.

The particular department that I was assigned to was not exactly what I had in mind when I applied for an internship with the organization. However, when my supervisor heard about my interests and desires, she immediately set up appointments for me to meet with key people in the areas that I am passionate about, and has been more than willing to grant me time off from my usual tasks in order to participate in activities with other departments. Her goal, she told me, was to ensure that I had the very best, well-rounded internship experience that I possibly could. Since I am seriously considering pursuing a career with this particular agency, she has given me all sorts of tips, resources, and insider information to consider.

My tasks and responsibilities are rather unique for an intern. One of the agency’s employees must leave for two months as part of a leadership class, and I was brought on board to replace her. There will be no paper pushing, senseless photocopying, or boring data entry for me, as is customary for most interns. I will be replacing an actual paid, highly trained, professional employee. I am so nervous. While I am certainly intimidated about the great responsibilities that have now fallen into my lap, I am also extremely excited. I have the opportunity to actually make a difference in my organization, and I have the chance to actually contribute something worthwhile rather than merely being an inconvenient burden.

When I walk into my office, I hope to be like my supervisor. Not so much in that I dress in loud, flashy clothing (although that could be fun!), but rather that when I walk in, my positive attitude and amusing personality might brighten up the room. I hope that someday, when someone must introduce me, they will say, “O, you won’t be able to miss her. She is a very colorful character.”

So I've Kind Of Dropped the Ball...

Hello Folks!

I just wanted to take a second and acknowledge the fact that I've kind of dropped the ball on this whole blog thing. Perhaps I was just a wee bit idealistic when I promised to update my blog constantly with all of the new, fun, exciting things I was learning and experiencing in D.C.

The truth is, life here is much crazier than I thought it would be. Classes are super challenging (to say the least!), my internship can be intense, and the simple everyday tasks of cooking and cleaning for myself have left me with very little time, energy, or motivation to blog about life here so far.

So I’m sorry for neglecting you. It was not intentional. Today I intend to attempt to make up for my long silence by posting several things- mostly journal assignments that were a part of my class work. I hope these new posts will help fill you in a little bit, and I will try to be better about keeping y’all up to date in the future.

Enjoy!

P.S. For some of my posts, I have changed the names of my supervisors/co-workers for the sake of their privacy.

What Makes DC Unique?

During our Experiential Learning seminar, we learned about what makes Washington DC tick. What is it about this city that sets it apart from all others? Several interesting observations were made.


DC is a unique city for many reasons. The first reason may seem random, but it is a vital part to understanding the pulse of the city- Public Transportation. With its extensive metrorail and bus systems, DC is a model city for the use of public transportation. Unlike most large cities, the public transportation system was not developed in order to address the issue of reducing traffic. The main reason for the construction of the public transportation system was to create a means for people from lower socio-economic backgrounds to enter the heart of the city where the well paying jobs were located. DC’s public transportation system was among the first of its kind in this respect. An interesting fact to note is that DC’s population is roughly between 500,000-600,000. During the workweek, the number of people in DC swells to over one million. This influx of working professionals from outside into the core of the city is mind-boggling. The public transportation system is just one of many reasons that DC is different than most American cities.

Another factor that contributes to DC’s distinctiveness is its street culture. For some, this may be viewed as a negative, but in fact, it serves a very positive purpose in communities. Loitering in DC actually makes neighborhoods safer. Usually the characters that one sees lingering in a certain area of the sidewalk, or under a particular doorframe, are silent observers and protectors of a domain that they feel personally invested in and responsible for. Typically homeless, these invisible neighborhood watchmen are among the first to be interviewed by police after an incident, because they are experts on what usually goes on in the area, and they notice when people enter the scene that do not belong there. Looking at street culture from a slightly different perspective, one realizes that interaction and loitering on the streets was the original intent behind the design of the city. Washington, DC was designed by a Frenchman, L’Enfant. When creating his designs for the city, he envisioned a Paris-like scenario, where wide sidewalks would enable people to gather for public discourse about hot topics of the day, and where outdoor cafes and markets could be set up for people to mill about. DC was built specifically to enable and foster a street culture.

Another interesting aspect of DC is its level of civic involvement. Even though DC is the capital of the greatest nation in the world, the sad truth is that its populace has very low voter turnouts. True Washingtonians usually are not as engaged in the political arena. Maybe this is due to the fact that DC folks feel that they have no real voice- and in some respects, they have a point. When America exerted her independence, her rallying cry was “No taxation without representation,” yet those who live in her capital city fall into this category. Even though they are taxed, DC has no representative in the House, or Senator in the Senate. It is an interesting paradox to consider.

DC is also unique because of gentrification; the process of revitalizing run-down neighborhoods and turning the up-and-coming areas into family friendly places to live. The drawback to this redevelopment is that it causes home prices to skyrocket, and forces families who have lived in DC for generations into a place where they no longer can afford their property taxes. This interesting dichotomy- how an action that can cause so much good (turning a run-down row home into a beautiful town house), can also cause so much harm (unintentionally forcing people to leave the city that they have called home for their entire lives).

While DC does have its indigenous populace, people who were born in the city, raised in the city, and will be proud to die in the city, DC is also home to a large percentage of transplants. People from all across the country, and all across the globe for that matter, make their way to DC. Perhaps some of these people started out as one of the 200,000 interns who flood the capitol each summer, fell in love with the city, and decided to stay. One thing that you will find here is that when people first meet you, they ask you two very telling questions: 1) “Where do you work?” and 2) “Where are you from?”. DC is definitely a city run by young professionals. Who you are is closely identified with what you do, or what firm or company you work for. Also, seldom do you meet someone who is actually from DC. Almost all are transplants from some other state. One person who has lived in the city for years made the comment that, of her say, forty acquaintances, thirty-five states are represented. Not only do people flock to DC from the states, they come to city from places all over the world. One professor joked that the only place other than DC with more Ethiopians is Ethiopia. DC is a very diverse place. While predominantly African-American, there is also a large percentage of Latin, Asian, and Indian populations as well. It makes DC a very colorful and interesting place to be.