Life Changing Realization

After Agent Bob’s “off-the-cuff” conversations, my supervisor’s well meaning advice, and my own self-evaluation, I have come to the conclusion that I am not cut out to be a special agent like I originally thought.

This conclusion is a big deal to me. I am a planner, and have my one year, five year, ten year, and fifty year life plan figured out. I enjoy having goals, and having a clearly defined plan for the future. Ambiguity and uncertainty tend to freak me out, so when I decided that my carefully chosen career path was no longer a good fit for me, I felt a few moments of panic. My entire life plan was falling apart around me.

Over the course of the semester here at ASP, we have spent a great deal of time discussing our sense of “calling” and our “vocation.” Up to this point, I have always felt a fairly clear direction of where my calling and vocation lay. When I first heard that Sacramento was one of California’s major centers of child exploitation, I was floored. This wasn’t an issue that was happening “over there” in places like Cambodia, or Russia, or India… this was a horrible, heartbreaking crime that was going on in my own backyard. I felt an overwhelming compulsion to do something about it. After looking into a few routes to combat human trafficking- legislative, non-governmental, and law enforcement, I decided that the life of a special agent was the one for me. I wanted a gun and a badge, and I wanted to catch bad guys and make them pay.

After these last few weeks of interning in a government agency dealing with issues such as child exploitation, however, I am not so sure that a position as a special agent would be the right career for me. First, if I was handed a gun and a badge, and told to interview a suspect that we knew was guilty of sexually exploiting his children, there is no guarantee that I wouldn’t shoot the sicko perpetrator in the head. I honestly doubt that I would pass the psych evaluation in order to become a special agent. Second, I don’t think I would enjoy being the property of the government in that way. Special Agents have very little say in where and when they are sent to their new assignments. While I am currently single and skeptical as to whether or not I have children in the future, I do know that if/when I get married and have a family, I want to be able to settle down and provide a stable life for them. While the life of a Special Agent may sound glamorous, the constant moving is not and takes a hard toll on a person’s family. Third, I don’t want to end up cold and jaded. I am (generally) a bubbly, happy person, and I don’t want to end up like so many of the agents do- “dead inside.”

This has left me in quite a predicament. God, where is your calling now? I was convinced I knew exactly what it was, and now I don’t. Where are you in this? What do I do now? I am a planner. I need to have a plan, God. A little bit of help would be greatly appreciated.

Right now, I am operating under the assumption that I will end up doing something similar, career wise, to that of a Special Agent, minus being an actual law enforcement officer. Perhaps I could be a program analyst, or legal councilor for a government agency like the one I am interning for. My calling, my vocation, my mission… it can be related to my original dream, even if my original dream has ended.

My five year life plan will remain pretty much the same I guess: graduate from William Jessup University in May 2010. Begin attending University of the Pacific McGeorge School of Law in August of 2010. Intern in various California government departments dealing with civil and human rights over the course of my three years at McGeorge. Graduate with my J.D. in the spring of 2014. Begin a job in a California government agency utilizing the skills gained in law school on issues relating to human rights immediately after graduation. Pass the BAR exam in the fall of 2014 as a back up plan to a career in government. And depending on the health of my family, after three years of steady work in a California government position, moving on to an exciting career with an agency like the one I am currently with in a major west coast city such as Portland or Seattle, opening up greater possibilities for career advancement.

So even though I don’t know exactly what I want to do, or where exactly I will end up, I am still convinced that I can live out my calling to seek justice for those who can’t speak for themselves. The details may be fuzzy, but I’m learning to be ok with that since the calling is still there. At a recent ASP event, we students gathered together along with the mentors chosen for us to speak into our lives, encourage, and challenge us over the course of the semester. One major theme kept coming up at “Share Your Mentor” night- wherever you end up can be an amazing opportunity that God will use to grow and inspire you, if you will only let go and allow Him the space to move.